Yesterday I was in a strange space

Existential Crisis #51

 

Haven’t had one for a while

had forgotten how it feels

when your body is translucent

and your head superbly reels.

Plunging wide into the depths

as expansive thoughts confuse

urgency you wish to conquer

yet powerless to refuse.

Off on a flight

don’t want to grab hold

strong enough to fall

foreign visions behold.

The cells within my body

are attempting to adjust

they swirl in blind abandon

immersed within their trust.

One more destination

another plan revealed

yet clarity evades me

through disarray concealed.

Off on a flight

don’t want to grab hold

strong enough to fall

foreign visions behold.

Angel of the Universe

He gave me two chances in less than a week

I chose to run rather than speak.

Panic and fear I thought were gone

The dread of saying something wrong.

Drinking from a stolen glass

No memory can surpass

The night, that vow to spread my wings

the goal no less than greater things.

Caught upon the twisted path

Wrenched in a field of events

I ponder the aftermath

Of what fails to make mere sense.

The line so thin you can’t get back in

Once you cross beyond.

You think you’re back but are long gone

Once you cross beyond.

Angel of the universe

With one last chance to fly

Those left behind are weaker yet

To suffer a helpless sigh.

Was it a matter of switching chairs

Who sits behind the desk

To pull the strings and risk a smile

In this fathomless grotesque?

The line so thin you can’t get back in

Once you cross beyond.

You think you’re back but are long gone

Once you cross beyond.

Love came and broke you

With fortune and glitter

Reducing your glory

Unfortunate critter.

The city still sleeps

But I’m at the café

Dreamily envisioning

A different day.

The line so thin you can’t get back in

once you cross beyond.

You think you’re back but are long gone

Once you cross beyond.

Song of the Year: Song Contest News: songwriting honor.

This is really strange. Just this afternoon I wondered if anything had come of this, and tonight I got this note per email:

Songoftheyear.com song contest news – Alice Mansfield receives songwriting honor..

Mother’s Day

Funny how the Mother’s Days of breakfast, poems, and excited little faces have passed. My children know that commercialized holidays don’t mean much to me. And yet, when I got home from my weekend seminar this afternoon, I received a sweet text message from my daughter.

Last week while standing in my son’s room and talking with him, I noticed an interesting object on his desk. “What’s this?” “Nothing!” I averted my eyes and walked out of the room. Then I peeked back through the door and asked: “Mother’s Day?” “It’s a present for Dad,” he answered with a grin. Today, of course, he gave it to me.

Strange how as the kids get older, my thoughts on this day once again go back to my mother. She was so young when her first child was born! It blows me away at times, though I can’t really say why. Perhaps it’s the realization that she was a young woman with hopes and dreams — so much more than simply my brother’s mother. So, dear Mom, Happy Mother’s Day! I hope your joy with your children makes up for some of those lost dreams.

Sentimental rush about Halloween

It doesn’t seem possible, but 18 years ago today I was 9 days overdue. Our apartment building was in the process of renovation and on that day we moved into the first finished apartment. I was down on my hands and knees, scrubbing the floor. An older neighbor stopped by to see how we were coming along and when he saw me, he said: “Hey, you better be careful! If you do such strenuous work, that might induce labor.” I laughed and replied: “That’s exactly my intention.”

Afterwards we went out for a pizza at the place around the corner. We’d barely returned to the apartment, and then I knew it was time to go to the clinic. Upon arrival I was informed that I was the third woman in the delivery room who’d eaten pizza for supper that night! I wonder if their kids love pizza as much as my daughter does. Anyway, 19 excruciating hours later… (“No, I don’t want any painkillers! I’m sure this won’t take very long and I want to be fully conscious when my daughter arrives!”) she made her grand entrance.

Since then, it has been my privilege to experience countless dramatically grand entrances (and exits), happiness, laughter, pride, worry, anger, frustration, doubt and pure wonder. I remember that day/night/day as if it were yesterday, and yet it feels like eternity — all at the same time.

One more bittersweet reality of life. My little girl has become a beautiful young woman. She is strong-willed, determined, creative, fiercely loyal and yes, has a “slight” tendency towards Drama Queen. (Hey, Wierd Al, how about that for a song? “Dig it the drama queen, today she’s still seventeen, oh, yeah…”) She has always been on her own path, but tomorrow it is official. I am overwhelmed.

On my own again

Meanwhile the CD is finished. It was delivered a few days before my birthday. That was good timing, since I had scheduled a concert in Vienna on my birthday and that was to be the first presentation.

Thursday I set out on the journey with my trusted guitarist. His girlfriend was to join us on Saturday, so that gave us two days to rehearse. The other half of the band was in Vienna, so we hadn’t had an opportunity to play together beforehand. The percussionist is a teacher and also has a school band, so he offered their rehearsal room. That was perfect, as I hadn’t planned where we would rehearse.

After a long drive (7 hours), we checked into our “apartment” and soon after that set off for the first rehearsal. I was pretty tired and things didn’t go all that well, but we made it through most of the songs. The next day was better. I slept late, relaxed, practiced a bit with my guitarist, and early evening we went for the next rehearsal. That evening, we sounded like a band! It was really fun. I could definitely see doing that more often!

Afterwards we dropped off our stuff at the apartment and went out for a beer. We were in good spirits and optimistic about the next evening. I really enjoyed the mood: eat, sleep, drink, play music — what a life!

Soon enough, my birthday arrived. All went well, and the not-so-well technical aspects I left up to the boys in the band. They did a great job. The place was full, the crowd was great, the band played well, and we all had a good time. What I especially enjoyed was that they took care of packing everything up after the concert. That is always rather draining — after all the preparation, excitement, the concert, then I have to pick up my toys and go home. It was nice to have help. The best birthday present!

The new owner was quite pleased. He came up on stage, thanked me for playing and said he’d enjoyed the evening (he was tending bar) and made me promise to come back again next year. Then he sat down at the piano and played an incredible version of Happy Birthday — and everyone sang. Yahoo!

We got home rather late, and then stayed up to drink some wine and reflect upon the evening. It was around 4.30 am by the time we were ready to call it a day. The next day I was slightly under the weather, but still managed to get to brunch with friends, visit another friend, and then meet one more in the evening. That was nice. It was difficult to be in the city I love and not have time to visit friends while so busy with concert preparation. So at least I had one day.

Monday morning the three of us drove back to Vorarlberg. We made good time, as there wasn’t much traffic. It took a few days to come down after all the excitement. What a wonderful birthday present: a long weekend spent living like a musician on the road! What more could I wish for?

A few weeks have passed since then, though it’s not back to daily stuff. No, I have a new job as of October 1st and am in the process of adjusting. Luckily, my predecessor is still there. She will be there until the end of next week — training, explaining and such things. I’m a little nervous, and hope I’ll do a good job. I was observing her and felt so inadequate! But then I reminded myself that she’s been there for six years, so it would be kind of strange if I could do everything as well as she does after only two weeks of initiation! Silly me!

It takes time. In the process of starting anew, there are other paths that separate. Sadness arose as I took my leave of my former clients and colleagues. We’d travelled together for a while, and I will miss them.

Last night I went out to dinner with my former colleagues. We had a nice evening and I really enjoyed their company. When it came time to leave, they gave me a going-away present. I’m generally rather Scrooge-like when it comes to presents, because I feel that they are so unnecessary. As Arlo Guthrie said in Alice’s Restaurant: “I mean, I mean…” I live in such comfort and abundance (roof over my head, indoor plumbing, electricity, central heating, refridgerator, dishwasher, washing machine, hot water, money to buy food at well-stocked stores, adequate clothes, overflowing bookshelves, a radio/CD player and a bunch of CDs – what more could I want?) that I really think it’s inappropriate. That’s why I don’t accept birthday presents.

But there I go meandering again! Back to the subject. So, they gave me a going-away present and I absolutely love it! No, it is not essential, but incredibly appropriate: a gallon-sized white porcellain cookie jar with the word “Cookies” written on it. Of course, it was filled with cookies!

Shocked and amazed that they came up with that. I mean, they don’t know me THAT well! The old cookie jar of my childhood came to mind. Back in the old days, when we had a cookie jar, life was pretty stable. Around the time that the cookie jar disappeared, that’s when things started to go down hill, though I can’t say for sure if the cookie jar deserves all the blame.

But I won’t go into all that now. I’m simply pleased. And my son thinks it’s a great present, too! Oh, what the new job is? I am now responsible for the eating disorders department at my organisation, which offers referrals and counselling, as well as lectures and preventive workshops in schools and youth organisations. It’s my dream job! The only thing I’d like to do even better is to be on my own little never-ending tour. But who knows what the future will bring?

It sure took a while

The finishing touches for the new CD “On My Own” have been made. Tomorrow it will be sent off for production. I feel like a little kid anticipating Santa Claus! I can’t wait to hold it in my hand.

Now that the books are published and the CD is finished, I thought for a moment that things would calm down and I might live a normal life. But when I think about what is planned for the near future, it doesn’t look that way it all. It won’t be quieter, just different.

So what is this CD about? Well, I am still convinced that my faith in the universe carries me to places beyond my wildest dreams — or at least pretty close. There are haunting old patterns  and dignity to be upheld, old habits to be broken, questions of love from various perspectives, expectations, the painful experience of loss, memories of past regrets, even a dose of depression. I guess it’s another CD about life.

It was one more step along the path, a handful of valuable new experiences, an intense process of working with other people — and depending on them! I’m quite happy with it.

On my own

Last week I recorded the last song for the new CD: On my own. The finishing touches will still take some time, but it looks like it will be ready in time for the first presentation in Vienna in September. It has been an exciting process, with a challenging new element: a band! As soon as I can, I will post a few new tracks here.

On the way

The first two days in the recording studio have come and gone — with my band! It was a wonderful experience, and it’s so nice to have company, rather than doing it on my own. And it’s not just any old company, but a wonderful combination of musicians!

That goes right along with the few pages I read recently in a book by Anais Nin. (I’ve been reading that book for at least a year, but there are just too many other books that get in the way.) She talks about how important it is to have the interaction with other people. One can only go so far in isolation. But when we have the exchange of experience with other people, both sides learn and profit.

In the same passage, she also discusses the importance of dreams — whether waking or sleeping. Our dreams sneak up to the surface and offer us guidance from the unconscious (or the universe). They help create goals, or simply give input as to how to go on from here.

Whatever. That’s what’s on my mind on this cold, rainy Easter Monday. But now it’s time to get ready for a friend from Vienna who will arrive later this afternoon. And then I need to prepare for the new work week. I was going to say: “get ready to face reality” but that isn’t so clear. It’s a matter of perception and mood, which I won’t bother to go into at this point, because I’m hungry and it makes more sense to cook some lunch!

Happy Easter!