I’m walking and singing

eating pancakes in bed

And I wonder as I listen

to the voices in my head

As they tell me of a journey that is yet to unwind

As I look out the window have I lost my mind?

It wasn’t mine to begin with

Just a treasure on loan

For the time that I wander

Before I finally head home

Have I used it, abused it

Or confused its last tone?

Stubbornly sought solitude

to feel so alone?

Feel like the dark blue wistful sky after sunset on a clear sunny day,

filled with wonder and joy as I view the strong sliver

of the new moon shining unintentionally. It’s just there.

I’m looking forward very much to the two concerts this month. And then I am excited about getting started on a new CD. This one is going to be totally different!!! But let’s stay in the present. The time will come. 😉

I was feeling lost,  lonely and somewhat neglected

Then I wrote you a letter that I later regretted

Cause my fears arose and I suspected

That your hesitance to answer showed that you rejected.

 

So I took all the worries, the fears, hopes and dreams

And I put them in a heart-shaped box with intricate scenes

Turned it over to the universe, to do as it best deems,

a vulnerable child with impossible schemes.

 

You said you understand, that you sometimes felt that way

Just like I described, when feelings rise and sway.

You told me not to worry, that we’d surely find a way

However that may be, we cannot know today.

and this is what occurred to me…

Walking in Circles

Even when you know you’re just walking in circles

The wind can suddenly change

Even when the path is perfectly familiar

Every step can bring a new range.

It’s warmer today and the wind is mild

A faint hint of spring, you secretly smiled

At number 9 you stifled a shout

In the 15th round a bird cried out

Number 18 is outright different and strange

as it becomes clear that your path must change.

Leave Buddha in the middle and go back down the hill

Stopping now and then for a moment that is still

Free of noise or any interference,

you treasure the waves of subtle clearance.

As troubled thoughts dissolve

And once again you resolve

To let go and proceed

Just to follow your feet

And accept that fate does evolve.

Existential Crisis #51

 

Haven’t had one for a while

had forgotten how it feels

when your body is translucent

and your head superbly reels.

Plunging wide into the depths

as expansive thoughts confuse

urgency you wish to conquer

yet powerless to refuse.

Off on a flight

don’t want to grab hold

strong enough to fall

foreign visions behold.

The cells within my body

are attempting to adjust

they swirl in blind abandon

immersed within their trust.

One more destination

another plan revealed

yet clarity evades me

through disarray concealed.

Off on a flight

don’t want to grab hold

strong enough to fall

foreign visions behold.

He gave me two chances in less than a week

I chose to run rather than speak.

Panic and fear I thought were gone

The dread of saying something wrong.

Drinking from a stolen glass

No memory can surpass

The night, that vow to spread my wings

the goal no less than greater things.

Caught upon the twisted path

Wrenched in a field of events

I ponder the aftermath

Of what fails to make mere sense.

The line so thin you can’t get back in

Once you cross beyond.

You think you’re back but are long gone

Once you cross beyond.

Angel of the universe

With one last chance to fly

Those left behind are weaker yet

To suffer a helpless sigh.

Was it a matter of switching chairs

Who sits behind the desk

To pull the strings and risk a smile

In this fathomless grotesque?

The line so thin you can’t get back in

Once you cross beyond.

You think you’re back but are long gone

Once you cross beyond.

Love came and broke you

With fortune and glitter

Reducing your glory

Unfortunate critter.

The city still sleeps

But I’m at the café

Dreamily envisioning

A different day.

The line so thin you can’t get back in

once you cross beyond.

You think you’re back but are long gone

Once you cross beyond.

This is really strange. Just this afternoon I wondered if anything had come of this, and tonight I got this note per email:

Songoftheyear.com song contest news – Alice Mansfield receives songwriting honor..

Funny how the Mother’s Days of breakfast, poems, and excited little faces have passed. My children know that commercialized holidays don’t mean much to me. And yet, when I got home from my weekend seminar this afternoon, I received a sweet text message from my daughter.

Last week while standing in my son’s room and talking with him, I noticed an interesting object on his desk. “What’s this?” “Nothing!” I averted my eyes and walked out of the room. Then I peeked back through the door and asked: “Mother’s Day?” “It’s a present for Dad,” he answered with a grin. Today, of course, he gave it to me.

Strange how as the kids get older, my thoughts on this day once again go back to my mother. She was so young when her first child was born! It blows me away at times, though I can’t really say why. Perhaps it’s the realization that she was a young woman with hopes and dreams — so much more than simply my brother’s mother. So, dear Mom, Happy Mother’s Day! I hope your joy with your children makes up for some of those lost dreams.

It doesn’t seem possible, but 18 years ago today I was 9 days overdue. Our apartment building was in the process of renovation and on that day we moved into the first finished apartment. I was down on my hands and knees, scrubbing the floor. An older neighbor stopped by to see how we were coming along and when he saw me, he said: “Hey, you better be careful! If you do such strenuous work, that might induce labor.” I laughed and replied: “That’s exactly my intention.”

Afterwards we went out for a pizza at the place around the corner. We’d barely returned to the apartment, and then I knew it was time to go to the clinic. Upon arrival I was informed that I was the third woman in the delivery room who’d eaten pizza for supper that night! I wonder if their kids love pizza as much as my daughter does. Anyway, 19 excruciating hours later… (“No, I don’t want any painkillers! I’m sure this won’t take very long and I want to be fully conscious when my daughter arrives!”) she made her grand entrance.

Since then, it has been my privilege to experience countless dramatically grand entrances (and exits), happiness, laughter, pride, worry, anger, frustration, doubt and pure wonder. I remember that day/night/day as if it were yesterday, and yet it feels like eternity — all at the same time.

One more bittersweet reality of life. My little girl has become a beautiful young woman. She is strong-willed, determined, creative, fiercely loyal and yes, has a “slight” tendency towards Drama Queen. (Hey, Wierd Al, how about that for a song? “Dig it the drama queen, today she’s still seventeen, oh, yeah…”) She has always been on her own path, but tomorrow it is official. I am overwhelmed.